Saturday, September 24, 2005

A Personal Quest

It has been three days since my last post.

I'm feeling guilty. I had intended to be more consistent. I had intended to put aesthetics over practicality on a regular basis -- even if that action takes place only in my mind.

I should make clear that, despite my quest for "freedom," I have no desire to abandon the mundane aspects of my life. Since my last post, I have changed 20+ diapers, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher three times, and done 12 loads of laundry. I have attended one school meeting, one soccer practice, and two soccer games, and I have tucked three boys into bed for three nights in a row. While I could easily live without the diapers, the dishes, and the laundry, I could not so easily survive without the boys who create the dirty diapers, dishes, and laundry.

So when I say that I want to affirm "my need to believe in freedom and endless possibilities," the "freedom" to which I refer has more to do with intellectual freedom and balance. It has more to do with believing in myself and acting upon that belief, while I perform the mundane tasks that are part of life.

Part of my quest involves finding a means to bring the "creative" me into balance with the "day-to-day-I-have-too-much-to-do" me. I took the first step when I chose not to return to full-time employment after the birth of my third son. Instead, I stayed home and I wrote while he slept. All went well at first, but as nap time grew shorter, so did the time I could devote to writing.

I also must admit that exchanging a consistent pay check for freelance was a difficult transition. As my mortgage payment approaches each month, my inner balance leans back toward practicality. I'm still writing, but I find myself once again writing to make a living rather than writing to fill any inner need.

So, it seems my attempt to place aesthetics over practicality is a rather lofty one. Attainable, but lofty. It may take a very long time; my posts may sometimes be spaced several days apart. But life -- and art -- have more to do with the journey than the destination.


The author is a freelance writer, a teacher, and the mother of three boys. Her website, The Writing Tutor, provides writing tips and writing guides, as well as lesson plans and writing assignments.

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